So much of the way modern spirituality is approached centers around doing, striving.
I deeply believe in healing. I deeply believe in walking into the fire instead of lingering in the avoidance of pain.
In my early life, I was around people who exclusively avoided themselves and their pain. Instead, they cascaded it in waves onto everyone around them.
I vowed from a young age that this would never be me. I knew I would break this cycle and be the one to walk the untraveled paths in order to close them off completely.
I still see this as a deeply beautiful thing. And at this point in my life, my perspective is changing. My focus is changing.
Balance is needed. I'm no longer interested in going to extremes.
Now I think, in making sure I wasn’t avoiding my pain, have I gone too far into it? Have I prioritized my growth over my joy? Have I focused so much on healing that I've neglected to recognize the present beauty that I am?
There is something that was so attractive to me for a long time about striving for more. I never felt like I was good enough as I was, so it made a lot of sense to me. The present didn't feel like enough. I thought I needed to do more, be more in order to be "happy."
The finish line was always just a little bit further ahead. Just do this. Heal this. Address this. Change this. And THEN things will be better. Then you’ll have made it. Then things will be perfect.
This mentality always made so much sense to me because this is how I’ve lived. I’ve never been easily satisfied. Never wanted to phone it in or let up for even a single second. There has always been more to do. I haven’t felt good enough just as I am. I haven't cut myself any slack.
While I see how important some of this has been to my journey, I see how it can also become a trap.
Always just one more thing to do. One more thing to address. One more thing to strive for before I can truly relax, receive, and embody in the way I desire to.
I'm realizing how this, like so many things, is deeply exhausting. Deeply lacking in sheer reverence for this life, this experience, this body, this spirit, for myself and all that I am.
So no. I will not do this anymore.
I will not rob myself of my present beauty because I see one more thing to strive for. I will not keep extending some imaginary finish line out before me.
I see how in doing this, with the best of intentions, I have been holding myself away from living, breathing, experiencing the joy and the fullness of where I am right now. Of all that I already am.
What if all this striving is just for show? What if incessant doing is simply a way to try to escape the loop of unworthiness? What if we are already exactly as we’re meant to be?
We are here to be a human being. Not a human doing, struggling, striving.
I won’t do it anymore. I choose more.
I’m here to take up all the space that I’m sitting in. I’m here to embody myself so radically that it sets off golden ripples across the world. I’m here to be brilliantly, beautifully free.
I am already perfect as I am. There is no future destination to strive for.
I have already arrived.
Tawny